Twilight Sucks And Vampires Shouldn't Sparkle REWRITE
by Indigo Fate
Summary: Lara's name means Cheerful, but she certainly isn't. She hates Twilight, so what happens when she finds herself in the Twilight Universe, replacing Bella? Time to have fun with Sparkles! (Rewrite, but new readers welcome! Should be better than the original, which is still up! Intended to be funny, come yell at me if it isn't) NOT JUST A HATE FIC DON'T WORRY.
1. Introductions

**It's like three years since my last fanfic, and I'm cheating by doing a rewrite. Everyone loved this story and so did I but I was never happy with the effort I put in it at the beginning and it truly deserves a revamp. Hah. That's technically a vampire pun. Sort of.**

 **Some things may be changed but the plot will be mostly the same. I hope to give it more depth and more up-to-date snark and sass. Don't worry though, the original is up where I left it. The sequel will hopefully be rewritten and consequently finished too. Any fans from the original, give me a shout!**

 **Do we still say "I don't own Twilight" before these things? God knows. I'm old.**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

Lunch was my favourite hour of the day. And yet, it had become polluted. Sat at my usual table of four, I looked with amused distaste at the amount of girls reading battered copies of fucking _Twilight._ The negative look on my face was accompanied by one of my noises of displeasure and Melissa, a friend of mine, laughed.

"Why is it you don't like it, anyway? It's not all that bad. I like it." Her voice was whiny, like I'd personally insulted her with my opinion. I snorted, and followed it with a grin.

"I think it was written by moneys." I nod at my own theory. "Rosalie is the only character I could stand. She's a quality bitch." I'd read it, of course. I refuse to chat shit about something without some knowledge of it. Before she could reply, my quick check of the clock told me I had to leave. My school had abolished the bell, deciding it was "too unrealistic" of the workplace. Just meant I was usually late.

I nodded at my two other friends, the gutsy Leia and her boyfriend, Elijah, before I departed. Those lucky bastards had a free period which mine never aligned with.  
I set off to art, which was easily my favourite subject.

Oh wait, fuck. Introductions! I'm Lara Swan. Yes, I know, just like Bella. My life had been Hell since Meyer made that decision. The only good choice she made was that joke on page 800. Oh wait. There wasn't a page 800.

I'm short as fuck, I've got good boobs, green-grey eyes and blue hair that desperately needed a touch up. You really don't need more than that. Oh wait, I also need glasses. I wear contacts though, because I'm not about getting bullied.

I scowled as I walked into the classroom, remembering the new addition to the seating plan - new chick, fucking weirdo, called Jazzlee or Jasleen or something. I perched on my stool right next to hers as she stared at me, dropping my bag with a thud.

"Do I have a dick on my forehead?" I asked her seriously. Her big eyes narrowed and she shook her head. "Fuck! I must have lost it." I joked, hoping to at least get a smirk. "No? Not funny? Cool." Giving in, I pull out my iPod and start untangling the earphones.

"You've got a lot of hate in there." She said, in an intolerable whispy fairy voice as she glanced at my chest, presumably my heart. I drop my shoulders and look at her with a look that could only be described as unimpressed.

"It's called bra padding, not hate." I drawled. Again, not even a little lip twitch. Fuck. I'm slacking.

"You need to be taught a lesson. I'm sure I could show you."

I put on a faux-surprised, gaspy voice. "Oh my god, are you the new teacher?"

"I've seen what you hate the most." This fucking creep, what is she on? "I wonder if it'll break you." She grinned. Oh, fuck. Her teeth are gnarly.

"The guidance councillor is actually three doors down, Jazzband." She scowled that time. Success.

I put in my earphones, but I can see her lips moving even as music plays. I make a wind-up motion and lift my middle finger to her before turning to work. The rest of the day was psycho free, apart from my mother, and after ripping an essay from the internet I fell asleep quite cheerfully. It was after all my favourite hobby.

I'd have to remember to wind Jasleen up tomorrow. It'd be fun.

The next morning, the soft rumbling of an old engine woke me up...

* * *

 **Technically a prologue I guess, so short in length. The next chapter will be where the fun starts. I wonder if I'm funnier now than when I was 12. That's a scary question.**

 **Seriously, any old fans, hit me up. It'd be fun to see if any of you are around.**

 **Review and shit pleeeasseeeee**

 **~I.F~**


	2. The Cold Window

**Right fuckers, chapter one went down well so let's see how this goes. I've changed how she deals with it a little.**

 **I don't own shit. Not even a computer. Or Wifi.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

I never woke up straight away. I always rolled around, stretched and groaned and then got up with as little time as possible left to get dressed. But this time my forehead felt cold, and my brow furrowed as I realised I was leaning against glass. There isn't a window near my bed. I definitely - maybe - didn't get drunk last night.

I go to open my eyes, but the sudden stream of light makes me close them and groan. I resort instead to opening one very slowly, and only a little. Trees zoom past me, and rain trickles down the window of the car I'm in. What. The. Fuck. My head snapped to my left, where a _motherfucking cop_ was sat, driving happily. He glanced at me and gave me a smile that looked like a combination of shitty beer and hugs.

"What did I do? Look, jus-" I immediately start on some excuse, although I hadn't quite settled on what I had done yet, but he interrupts me. He has a moustache, and it moves amusingly when he talks. I wondered briefly if it was real.

"What? Oh, you just slept the whole way. We're almost there!" He looked excited, and a scream bubbled in my throat. Had I been _kidnapped_? Was this a fucking _murderer_? "I've actually got you a car, too! It's waiting on the drive way." It was a kind of fatherly excitement, and the scream died as I realised, cop or no, I could totally take this fucker in a fight.

"A car? What the fuck is this?"

"Bella! You shouldn't say that! I know it's a surprise but it wasn't expensive, don't worry about it! Billy, you remember Billy? Well he doesn't need it anymore. He's in a wheelchair."

Bella? Had this fucker kidnapped me and decided I'm his dead daug- Wait. Fucking Billy, car, cop with a moustache? Bella?!

I'm dreaming. It's totally fine, I'm just dreaming. I look down at myself and, throw my hands up in annoyance as I see clothes that _definitely_ aren't mine (who the fuck wears blue jeans?) and, yup, brown hair. I grab the mirror and turn it to me, getting only a quick glance of a very simple, pretty, 'Bella' face before Charlie scoldingly pulls it back and readjusts it.

"That's.. That's great, Dad?" I guess I should play along. I mean, it's a dream, and it's obviously because Twilight is everywhere and is poisoning me. "I'm super grateful and stuff." I mumble, whilst checking my body. Shit, Bella is skinny. Flat too, but that's fixable with a good push up bra. It was nice having a little less pudge though.

Charlie glanced at me. "You alright there Bells?"

"Yeah, just.. Long journey?" My sentence lifts up like a question because frankly, this shit doesn't feel like a dream. I can feel the soft fabric of the boring brown shirt I'm wearing.. I can feel neck cramp from how I slept. Consumed in thought, I spent the rest of the journey staring forward, very, very concerned.

We arrive outside a shitty house, with a shitty paint job. I liked it.

I climbed out of the cruiser and gulped as I felt the gravel beneath my feet. Just a fucking dream.

At least the car that was sat in front of me was a distraction.

"How fucking old is this?" I grumble, staring at the red heap of dung.

"Hey! No swearing, I mean it. It's a few years old, sure. Runs great!"

"You didn't say that you paid a meth addict fifty bucks for it, though!"

"Bella, seriously." I stared at him long and hard and then caved, looking back the car. I was unused to a father figure - mine wasn't lousy, he just lived in England. Made him reprimanding me kind of hard, when I can just hang up on him. And my mother just tended to let me yell back. "It's cool. It's better than walking."

It didn't even matter. I wasn't gonna get chance to use it because I'd be home soon. In my bed. Having to go to real school.

Actually maybe I should stay here.

I shook my head and watched as Charlie took the bags inside. I followed him after a moment of thinking about just how real the rain felt, and the cold.

He showed me to my room, and it was cute, but childish just like it was noted in the book. I grimaced as I tipped the stuffed animals off the bed.

"I'll sleep. Then once I doze off, I'll wake up in real life." I tell myself, just quietly. I turn to the mirror, looking deeply at 'myself'. Bella was definitely pretty. The eyes were that kind of nice brown, deep and orangey. Her figure was ok, healthy. She was definitely taller than me. Or, well, I'm taller than me. Other me.

God, it feels so real.. So ridiculous. I turn to Bella's bag, reaching in and just feeling things.. Fuck. No way any other dream has been this surreal.

No. I'm not Isabella Swan. I'm Lara Jayne Swan. Fuck, I sound like her cousin or something. I'll just take my mother's maiden name. Whatever that is, anyway.

I lay down, and bite my wrist to stop myself from screaming as I feel the mattress beneath me. Stop it. Stop feeling real. I rolled over and buried my head in my pillow.

Just wake up, for fucksake.

* * *

I didn't fucking wake up.

Well, I did, but not at home. I woke up in Bella's bed. In her body. To very loud banging on the door - which was something I could at least relate to.

"Bella! School!" I gagged. Full on, actual dry heave. It even hurt. I would have to be called fucking Bella. God, for how long? I just wanna go fucking home!

I tried desperately to recall the events of the book. No Cullens on the first day. Or is it week? I don't know.. But definitely none today.

I set out, driving the shitty truck, and doing what I needed to. It was a haze, a desperate, painful, terrifying haze. Mike Newton was a cunt, too. Like really, he needs a good old fashioned punch to the mouth.

I decided, throughout the day, that this was Hell, or maybe Purgatory. I must've died in my sleep, and this is what I get for being a bitch. And a thief. And a dirty liar. And listening to rock music. And for kissing that one girl. No, those two girls. Shit, I'm a sinner.

Wait, no. It's not Hell. What did fucking Jasleen say? She was going to teach me a lesson. Did she fucking do this? I looked at myself in Bella's mirror, shaking.

Tomorrows a new day, I tell myself. A day where I get to fuck with Edward Cullen. A good day. I nod, trying to convince myself.

"Yeah! I tease that fucker! I know the future!" I grin. "Jasleen, you've made a mistake." 

* * *

**I don't actually know if this is better than the original. I wrote this as more serious too, because she does have to sort of come to terms with being in this other dimension. Laughs will ensue next chapter though, when there is some actual interaction with other characters and of course, Eddie.  
**

 **Reviews turn me on.**

 **~I.F~**


	3. Real Lasers Like Really, Real Ones

**Ended up losing this chapter after writing it out because my fucking internet is shit. Sorry this is later than the last ones. It's because of that.**

 **Lets fucking go**

* * *

 **Lara P.O.V**

It was finally lunch time. Which was great, because food, but also bad, because this was the dreaded lunch time where the Cullen's would cross my path. I was already very, very done with today. Mike Newton, the lost puppy dog, had been harassing me even after frequent smacks. I'd bet money on him being part of a sexual harassment case in the next fifteen years. Jessica wasn't much better but at least the attention she set on me wasn't sexual. Despite my relentless attempts to make them hate me I'm shuffled to their table and sat between both of them. To cheer myself up, I happily begin to eat.

Of course, my happiness is soon interrupted by the slight squeaking of the canteen door as it opens, and it walks Sparkles and Friends. Queue dumb theme song or something. Or, instead, just the sickening slap of my forehead as I bounce it off the table in annoyance.

Alice Cullen, surprisingly, looks over at this. Her perfect brow creases just a little. Not with concern, I'm sure. But because she's used to her dramatic little entrance. But fuck me, she was _hot._ But not quite as hot as Edward Cullen. I should've guessed really, he's written to be a total hottie. Just because they cast Robert Pattinson doesn't mean shit. I gave a dramatic eye roll as I turned away. Twinkle Toe's looks wouldn't change my opinion on him. Dickwad.

Jessica, as is written, launched into my personal space. "You wanna know who they are, right? Everyone does. So-" I wave my hand dismissively in her face.

"No. Who gives a shit? They're just some kids." Or vampires who want to eat you. How would that make you feel, Jess?

It was her turn to roll her eyes. It was not as good as mine. She gave some grumble and luckily for her, Angela asked her a question which saved her from the embarrassment of me singling her out. The noise in the room heightened gradually, just like I assume it did after every time the Cullens sucked the humour out of the room. They totally only walk that straight because of the steel rods in their assholes.

So, I totally couldn't help myself. I really didn't want to, but fuck.

I looked at _The Table._

I looked at each of them in turn, shocked by how truly fucking ridiculous they were. Honestly, how was it not obvious these pathetic dimwits that this family isn't Vampires? Nothing about them looks human. Especially Rosalie. That bitch looks like her eyes are made of actual laser beams. Like, ones that murder you and don't just damage your semen.

As I was looking, Edward caught me. My breath didn't catch in my throat, I didn't blush. Because I'm not a pussy. I raise an eyebrow at him. That's right, I'm staring at you. Why are you staring at me, huh?

His forehead burrows and he frowns, only slightly, and then a laugh bursts from my throat. Oh yeah. You cocky cock.

This bitch can't read my mind. He looks alarmed at my laugh, but turns to his siblings as I turn back to my table. They're all looking at me, confused.

"Sorry, just pissing off the hot one." I grin.

"You're crazy." Jessica spits with the attitude of five tweens with popular twitter accounts.

"True. I'm also really good at getting out of a straight jacket. No, wait, that just makes me a magician." I stick my tongue out at her. "I'm gonna go."

I stand up, grabbing my bag, and Mike makes some simpering doggish noise that could be translated to "Oh, I'll come!"

"Nah, it's chill. I'm just going to the library. I'll check out the Vampire Literature." I throw a grin at the Cullens and lazily stalk out of the cafeteria doors, letting them swing closed behind me. Once they're closed, I clumsily fumble in my bag for my iPod and become distracted by that for a little while.

Biology, now that's going to be an adventure.

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

I sucked with maps, so I left the library early to find my class. It wasn't that far, but the schools diagram didn't help me shit. I was seated before anyone else was in the class, which meant Eddie couldn't get pissed off when I walk past the fan and he's bathed in my scrumptious cookie smelling blood.

I was already in a bad mood with him. Whilst sat comfortably in one of the arm chairs in the library, and definitely not reading, I happened to glance up and see a flash of gingery hair disappear behind a book stand. Fucking creep. I wonder if the more I change the plot, the more obsessive things he'll do. Anyway, it totally killed by Emilie Autumn fuelled buzz.

So when he strolled in, surprised to find me, he halted for a second. Some large jock twat shoved into him, and he let himself be moved, and then moved forward into the classroom. I made a point of not watching him, but listened for the distinct clack of his expensive shoes. There was something intimidating about just knowing about his kind. Though they twinkled like special edition My Little Ponies, their teeth were still covered in venom and they were still strong as balls.

It probably wouldn't stop me from picking a fight, though.

* * *

 **I might quicken up the pace a little. The original had such short chapters but it feels kind of empty.**

 **Let me know what you think, suck my dick a little, y'know the drill.**

 **~I.F~**


	4. Stupid Car

**I own Twilight. All of it. Even the time of day. This is hopefully a funny one. I enjoyed writing it, anyway.**

 **Eddie is gonna shed some tears.**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

I was ready to kick his teeth in, Vampire or not.

Once he'd sat down in close proximity, my scrumptious ass became too much for him and he became stiff and frustrated. And that's just his dick.

Kidding, but seriously, he did just what he did in the book. He stared, and stared, and then glared, and then stared. I wondered how I smelt to him. It must've been pretty good. I bet girls being on their periods around these guys was torture. Fucking Jasper is shit at keeping his cool over a paper cut so how could he resist a hot girl walking past him when she literally has blood coming out of her. Also, what did Eddie do when Bella was menstruating? Like then her blood smell would've been fucking everywhere, like constantly. Unless maybe that's a different kind of blood? Because it's not like blood from a cut.. It's thicker, maybe? Ew..

I sit with my head resting on my fist as I think about this, trying to make myself look as unappealing as possible. I let my face smoosh against my hand, and I slouched and made annoying, sighing noises throughout the lesson. Why would he want to eat me if I was looking frumpy, anyway?

I made no attempt at conversation, but halfway through the lesson I did begin swinging my foot in such a way where it routinely hit both of our stools, and each time I watched him blink hard, and saw the muscles in his jaw tighten. I grinned a little, and when his eyes snapped to me, I stuck out my tongue. Through the blackness of his eyes and his tight expression, his lips twitched up. But not in a "that's funny" kind of way, in a "fucking petty humans" kind of way. Bastard.

The bell went, and I swear he moved so fast he broke the sound barrier. This fucking family was allergic to being discreet. I stand up, slowly pack my things, and then head to Gym at a snails pace, grumbling. "Fuck gym. Fucking hate gym. I can't even touch my fucking toes. Fuck." I'd never even bothered at home. Honestly, why do we even need a grade in it? They didn't anything with us that actually promoted health because the boys football team got all the asslicking attention and the funding.

I get there, and of course I have no kit. The psycho Coach Clapp marches over with me, red faced.

She glances at her board for my name. "Swan, where's your kit?" Oh, just like home.

"Ain't got one yet. I'm new."

"We take sports seriously here, Swan." Yeah yeah, suck a dick.

"Do we also take STI's seriously here, Ma'am? Is it a struggle, or is it kind of romantic, considering that you got your herpes from your girlfriend, like a present?" I was impressed that her face could get any redder.

"Excuse me?" She barked.

"Sorry! I should've said from your "life partner" right? Y'know it's totally chill, I wouldn't discriminate. Girls can be hot."

I was rained on by spit and anger and then took my place on the bench, where I'm sure I'd remain for the year. God, I hope I'm not here all year.

* * *

When I was finally released, I walk out into the rainy parking lot. I spot Shitty Shitty Bang Bang a mile off and head towards him. I've decided it's a him because of the black pubes I found on the back seat. Most girls are better groomed.

I climb in and throw my bag down on the seat next to me, turn on the radio and get ready to pull out. The engine roars - sorry, gurgles - to life and I check my mirror.

What. The. Fuck.

A perfectly shiny, show-off Volvo is in my way. This shouldn't have fucking happened yet, I swear this is later in the book! I raise a challenging eyebrow at Eddie-boy in my mirror. Is this fuck actually gonna block me? Does he think I won't ram his pussy car? He glances, sees its me, and makes no effort to move.

I look a the door of the main building and there's no sign of his Siblings being out soon. Is this twat gonna wait there for them? Nu-uh, I will not stand for this. I can kill his car, even if I can't kill him. I can see it in the papers already, "Miracle boy survives car wreck caused by boring teenager".

I give a warning by moving backwards just a little towards him. He realises, but his only reaction is a slight eye narrowing. I give out a slight growling noise, which Bella's voice manages to make sound pathetic, and pull out.

The Chevy is a monster of a truck and it tears up the Volvo's ass viciously. Sparks fly up on the right side of the car, right up to my window. I send him an over the top, "Oops, Sorry!" Face, and then flip him off as I drive out of there as fast as I can. Serves him right for being a totally shitter in Biology and getting in my way. Who fucking waits in front of someone else's car when they could've just been parked? Twat.

Shaking my head and laughing, I start the drive home. His flashy Volvo deserved it.

I hope they get caught in sun on the way home.

* * *

 **Oh my God! Isn't she such a bitch? That poor, poor rich white boy.**

 **Review so that I can feed my family.**

 **~I.F~**


	5. Anguish

**You guys never message me. Do I intimidate you? I hope so.**

 **It's been a couple of days. Fuck it.**

* * *

 **Edward's P.O.V (Surprise, motherfuckers)**

I stared in shock and anguish as Bella Swan's ugly bruiser truck destroyed the back of my beautiful car. I winced as the loud screech rung out and the sparks flew, signifying the end to the perfectly even paint job on my baby. I caught her wicked grin as she tore off out of the parking lot before I could get out at a human pace and challenge her. I growled and then glanced out of the car as Emmett, all grin, jogged over. Each of his steps boomed, even on pavement.

"Woah! She fucking got you, man. Someone's needed to do that for a long time." He said around his laughter. I glared at him, readjusting myself in my seat. A human habit. Rosalie smacked the back of his head before they climbed into the car.

"Oh shut up Emmett. How dare she ruin your car like that?" She was pissed. But then again, when was she not. Emmett's thoughts rung out, 'Swan sure showed you!'

I look at him curiously. "How do you know her name?" Rosalie's eyes snapped to him.

"Yeah, how do you know her name?" She demanded.

"Everyone's talking about her, and I can always hear everyone. It wasn't hard. Apparently she's a mega bitch, and all the guys are super into it."

Alice slid in, seemingly out of nowhere, and chimed "Yeah, she's the buzz around school right now. And I'm pretty sure she just proved that she's a mega bitch." Jasper quietly joined us as I nodded. I groaned loudly.

"I thought this one was really a keeper." I affectionately rub my dash bored.

"Don't worry, it really is just the paint. You'll get it fixed by the next time we're in school." Alice says, very matter-of-factly, likely because almost everything she says is fact.

I relaxed into the kind leather, despite the fact that it made no difference to my comfort, and began the drive home.

"I think she was half getting back at me for biology." I complained.

"Biology? What happened?" Jasper asked gently. Alice launched into the question before I could.

"Her scent drove him crazy!"

"Alice, I can-" I try to interrupt.

"Plus she kept on kicking his chair and huffing, I think his _creepy_ stare," I glare at her exaggeration, "Was really annoying her. Well, I guess I know that it was annoying her. The car is proof."

I shake my head. "I need to talk to Carlisle."

"Oh, Esme is gonna be so pissed about the car! It's new!" Rosalie oh-so-kindly reminded me.

Oh, fuck.

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V (Back on track guys, don't worry, she isn't dead.)**

I needed to get my act together. I had basically ruined Bella Swan's life.

It had been fun, definitely. I very much enjoyed the look on her dad's face when he found out that I got detention for vandalising the principles door with the thing that boys have and girls don't. He was all red, spluttering about how I'd never been the kind of kid to get detention, or do anything like that. Oh, and of course, 'HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE?" I was worried he was going to give me 'The Talk'. Like it was hard to figure out that Bella was a total virgin.

But, I definitely need to be more careful. We could switch back one day and well, she'd have to clean up my mess if that happened. I don't know what her dreams are pre-Edward but I don't want them to be fucked up like mine were by my shitty behaviour.

Damn, that is totally the nicest and craziest thing I have ever said.

Anyway, it'd been a few days, or maybe a week since I last saw Eddie and a couple of the other family members. I remembered they went hunting on sunny days and that must've been why. However, Rosalie had been coming in driving that stupid Volvo, all fixed up and slutty. I should've done a better job. I bet my car could total that thing and survive. Sorry, no, Bella's car. I'd get back some day.

Although, if I did kill off Shitty Shitty Bang Bang, it wouldn't really wound me. I wouldn't want to see Charlie any angrier than I already have though. Or worse, he might get disappointed, and I like him so I don't think I could handle that. Disappointment, the way to get even the brattiest wild card to think twice.

One good advancement was that Mike had pretty much gotten the hint, and had decided that Jessica was a good option. I agreed with him, they're the sort of couple I can really see lasting. Well, at least until she's pregnant.

I left for school and got there pretty quick. When I pulled in, I checked the phone that I had begged Charlie for and cursed. It was the day that I had figured out would be the one Eddie came back to school. That wouldn't be that bad, but I know that he starts to talk to me after today. I really don't know if I have the energy to come up with enough quips to leave me fulfilled.

I'll be damned if I sit and take his crap in Biology. I'm gonna avoid being direct because I enjoy being alive but I'm gonna tease the fuck out of him. A little blue balling never hurts anyone.

On my way to my first lesson, I briefly considered listening to that album by Ed Sheeran that Leia tried to get me to listen to like four years ago. + Or something. She really loved that, and I miss her a lot. I'll download it when I get home, probably. I spend the morning contemplating the Twilight Timeline, and realise Tyler's fucking van is gonna hit me tomorrow. Well it won't, because I'm not a moron. But it would do, if I was Bella. Which I'm not. I'm Lara.

Sometimes I need the reminding.

I felt a surge of pity for Bella, through the self-pity that usually consumed me, and realised she had a tough time. Her life sucked. That's a pun. You should laugh.

Man, I'm off my game.

By lunch I was in a better, almost good mood. I was having a cute little debate with Angela.

"Cedric is hotter than Harry." She said casually. We'd been discussing Harry Potter a lot. It mostly came down to little disagreements and trying to out-nerd each other.

"Nah man, Harry is cute. His accent is to-die-for. I'd still choose Viktor Krum though." I grin.

"Cedric is British too, though. You can't discount him based on accents!"

I laugh. "Yeah but he's too broody." Also, y'know, the face of Edward Sparklekin Cullen.

As we sat down, I caught Edward's golden eye and he looked away pretty quickly. Gee, that was discreet. He really has this whole stalker thing down.

I'm lying.

I took that moment to really take in the cliques. There were a lot of them. Since I was stook in my own personal Hell and all, I hadn't really taken much noticed. I needed to be more like my friend, Melissa. She was always saying that you could find good in any bad situation. Then again, whenever she said that, my best friend (And a fellow Twilight hater, the kind of girl who is an antagonist in most teen dramas) Leia would always punch her for it.

My eyes reached the Cullen's table and I took my sweet old time looking at Edward. I hated him, but fuck me, he was fine. Chisled jaw that did that angry clench thing, strong eyes, etc.. But he was literally written to be perfect, just like all of Meyer's fairies. I mean, Vampires.

I'd even flaked and gone to watch New Moon in theatres because of Jacob's abs.

Jessica pulled me out of my daze to tell me about an upcoming shopping trip, and I was glad for the distraction.

* * *

 **This is long and about fuck all. I hope you enjoyed it.**

 **Review, I'm lonely. Don't tell my girlfriend I said that.  
**

 **~I.F~**


	6. I Hate How Much It Sparkles

**I won't lie to you guys. I haven't updated because I bought Stardew Valley. It's my life now.**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

As I sat in Biology, as the grey clouds blocked the sun, my hand twitched.

Not because I wanted to run my fingers through Edward's coppery, messy hair. But because I wanted to punch him in the mouth. However, I knew that wouldn't go well for me, him basically being a stone statue of a penis and all that. I would like to go a little longer without breaking any of my own bones.

He turned to his head to look at me as the teacher finished explaining something, and pushed the microscope towards me. "Ladies first, partner."

I bite tongue to stop my 'don't be a pig' rant from spilling all over the table and instead take a look. Fuck.

I never bothered with science at my school. Never. The teacher was lousy, never turned up, and the substitutes were obviously uneducated and shit, as is law.

"Fuck it, I have no idea." I shrug. The swear seemed to throw him off and he looked at me in surprise. I wondered if I could remember the answers from the book. Maybe if I tried.

However, I wasn't one for trying.

He glanced at the slide and wrote something down. I peered over his shoulder, holding my breath, and noted that answer down.

"Have another try." He pushed towards me again with the tip of his finger. It was a heavy piece of kit, and that was hardly human. He was a bit shit at that whole thing.

I take a long look and chew the inside of my cheek, then take a guess. "Anaphase?" He heard the question in my voice and looked for himself. Twat.

"Yes. Anaphase." He agreed with a nod, writing it down. His handwriting was perfect. It disgusted me on a personal level as I glanced at my scrawl. Even with Bella's slender fingers I was shit.

I grinned smugly. "Damn right. I fucking knew it." He sent a short but amused glance. I laughed a little. Gross.

We - Well, mostly just Sparkles - finished the task, and over came Mr. Banner.

"Mr. Cullen, couldn't you have let Ms. Swan do some of the work?" I straightened my back offensively.

"I answered like two of them!" I'll put it this way, I wasn't being quiet.

He sent me a very pointed look. "You're lucky to have Edward as your partner, then. Perhaps he'll rub off on you."

I snort. "He better not, I'd press charges if he rubbed anything on me." Banner made a stifled noise of Old-Man anger and left to another table. To stop myself from sticking my tongue out at him, I flipped him off.

Edward was chuckling and shaking his head, as if I was a child doing something that's embarrassing but still very funny.

"Find me funny, Ed?" He didn't look very scared, admittedly. "You won't when I crush your bullshit Volvo." His eyes widened. Ha! Just because you're strong as fuck doesn't mean I can't hurt you.

"What do you even have against my car!" Turns out he wasn't good at being quiet, either. The row next to us turned to look.

I open my mouth to say something, but the bell caught me off guard as it sounded out. He was still looking at me expectantly as I swung my bag over my shoulder as I correct my original plan.

"I don't have anything against the car itself." I pause, giving him a wild grin. "I haven something against how much it _sparkles."_ I swing around and march out, somewhat giddy. I certainly thought that was quite clever.

It did sink in on the way to P.E that I might be totally fucked. With a shrug, I changed into my unofficial kit. I also discovered that, whilst I wasn't the Clumsy Bella everyone loved, I could hit people with a ball on purpose and totally use that as the excuse.

It wasn't too long in that I was benched again, though. I was starting to get very comfy on that bench.

By the time school had ended I was in a pretty good mood, and left the main building almost skipping with glee. That was until I saw Edward set off towards me from in front of his ugly, fixed up car.

I gulped. Fuck, he totally knew I knew. Was he going to kill me? Oh god, was he going to eat me? Oh was he gonna yell at me? I hate being yelled at, and I think I'm dry of good quips right now.

Maybe I have time to prepare.

Wait, why was I even scared of him? He was a fucking pussy, sure he used to be a murderer but he drank animal blood. Besides, my point was just about his car, he just got caught in the gravity of it.

I pick up the space and get to my truck before Sparkles can make it. I stick my tongue out and pull out of the parking lot as quick as I can.

Sparkly son of a bitch, can't do your bullshit Vampire speed in front of everyone.

* * *

 **Fuck knows if this is funny.**

 **Pls review guise i luv uu (gag)**

 **~I.F~**


	7. Tyler's Truck

**So I died. By which I mean I got dumped, had to do a year of A-Levels, lost all of my friends and need you all to give me validation so I'm back.**

 **Heh, heh.  
**

 **Enjoy?**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

The next morning, I drove to school slowly. I was tired and not exactly enthusiastic about having to dodge a _fucking van._ I was shout-singing to some music by the time I reached the parking lot, which was my attempt at making myself feel better, and definitely got me some glares as I continued to drum-tap on the steering wheel and nod my head to the obnoxiously loud song. I waited until it was finished to leave the car, as I hated to leave a good song hanging, and the second my feet touched ground I started walking away. If I didn't linger to check the snow chains (whatever the fuck they are), then I wouldn't get hit by a goddamn truck.

Of course, I didn't realise that by sitting in the car and finishing the song, I'd delayed the headstart I had on the event and I only figured this out when the tires screeched and the vehicle was hurtling toward me. I'd always thought Bella was stupid for standing there, but let me tell you; in that moment, with something potentially deadly sliding right at your soft human body, your mind freezes up and you can't do shit.

So I didn't do shit.

But luckily, Edward Cullen did. He was next to me, hand slamming against the truck and instantly denting the metal around it as the breaks howled in their failure. At some point during the collision something had hit me, but I was too jarred to figure out if it was the other car or if it was the dick statue that had moved to stop it. My head hit the pavement and for a second I saw stars, and not the kind I'd enjoyed seeing on MDMA. Once I gathered my senses, I cringed away from him on instinct and pressed myself against my own car, but looked at him incredulously. His muscles bulged and his hair was messy, and his eyes intensely stared into mine, but I refused to be dazzled.

"Gee, thanks. Here I was hoping to get fucking squashed to death." Even the sarcasm couldn't steady my voice, because the speed of the car had definitely fucking terrified me and the display of Sparkles' strength had only made that worse. Here I was, pissing off a _monster._ Not that this would stop me. My hand rose my head but there was no blood, just a throbbing headache and a sickness in my stomach.

"I just stopped you getting hit by a van. Why are you pissed?" He snapped. Oh, so he did know how to swear. Then again, we weren't in the little PG world of the Mormon Stephanie Meyer this time around.

"I would've been fucking fine! And with your help I still banged my goddamn head." I rubbed it and hit a soft spot, making me wince. His eyes softened and I felt another very serious, very legitimate dry heave rounding on me, much like when I first awoke in this Hellish landscape.

"You alright?" He was stiff about it, but then again I was sure he was cock was too. Frail little girl-next-door type splayed on the ground, dazed by a head wound? I bet that's straight up vampire porn.

"No." I snapped, straightening up.

"Hospital it is."

I saw no point in argument, I knew how this went. We'd bickered enough and in that time an ambulance had already been called, and people had rushed to pull the bloody-faced and spluttering Tyler from his van. He must've hit his face off the wheel, because his nose was solidly broken. I was taken off with him, in the same ambulance, which I felt insulted his injury. They faffed around me even though I at most had a mild concussion, but I guess that was because this was technically my story, and not his. Poor sod.

I jumped out of the back of the vehicle before they could lower the ramp for the bed he was on, and was greeted by Eddie. He seemed unimpressed but dutiful; like he had to be there. "Let's get this over and done with so I can fuck off and you can go brood in a corner somewhere over Debussy." His eyebrows shot up and he walked behind me as I strode into the hospital.

"You know I like Debussy? Who I do hope you're not insulting with that accusation."

I sent him a half-hearted grin, because I didn't have time for his nonsense. "Tchaikovsky's better. Totally thought Debussy's shit was lame. I think he said "too short", specifically."

He seemed surprised by my genuine knowledge but chimed with, "Ah yes, but Debussy was definitely fucking Tchaikovsky's patroness." I barked a laugh and then stopped myself.

"Fuck, if I'm finding you funny then I must've really hurt my head." He rolled his eyes and shuffled me onto a ward and urged me onto a bed. "You're being awfully pushy about getting me under the sheets here buddy, and you haven't even bought me dinner yet. Maybe get me some chips from the vending machine and I'll see what I can do."

He seemed appalled by the accusation but a tilt of his lips showed I'd at least said something a little funny. Sick, I was getting back on track. Better start on that stand-up routine.

A man entered and my mood dipped. Blond, golden-eyed, face that was vaguely reminiscent of a dog? Must've been Carlisle. He was handsome, like the rest of them, but not my type. A good match to the actor, I'd give them that.

Before he could say anything, Tyler was pushed in and settled next to me. Apologies streamed from him as he flailed in the bed, clearly panicked and and in pain.

"Dude, get the fuck over it. I'm alive. Do better next time." I drawled at him, and a nurse 'hmpff'd at me and closed the curtain between us with a pointed glare. Carlisle and Edward were unimpressed by my joke this time and got down to business.

"I asked my father to check you out when I headed over." Edward explained.

"Check me out? I think there's a bit of an age gap here, don't you think?" I joked, but they looked at eachother knowingly and clearly found it more funny as they thought that I didn't know the real, terrifying age gap between us. Smug pricks with their vampire inside jokes.

"Perhaps we'll take it a little slower than that, I doubt my wife would approve." His voice was deep and soothing, so I immediately hated it. He stepped over with a far too happy look on his face and began to prod around at my head. After a while, he touched the wrong place and I breathed out sharply. "Did that hurt?"

Somehow I didn't think 'what the fuck do you think, Doc?' was appropriate, so I settled on; "Little bit." and a shrug.

"You were lucky."

"Oh yeah. Super lucky. Prevented from fulfilling my dream of dying at 17 before I could become a disappointment to everyone around me and instead will die in four years in a drug bust." I'm really glad my brain deemed that appropriate, but not 'what the fuck do you think, Doc?'. What can I say? I'm an inconsistent bugger.

He looked at me grimly, and I switched up my approach. "I mean, yeah. Thanks Ed." I didn't look at Edward, but I know he grimaced at the nickname.

"Any time. Or not. Don't get hit by a van again."

"What I do in my free time is none of your business." I quipped, and Carlisle withdrew from my head and quickly shined a little torch in my eyes.

"I do believe you're fine, Ms. Swan. I advise you take regular painkillers if your head hurts later. Any dizziness, come back. Your father is waiting outside, I do believe."

"What about school?" I asked, eyes narrow and voice wary.

"You can skip the rest of the day but I doubt you'll have reason to take tomorrow off." I shrugged.

"I'll take what I can get." In an instant I was on my feet and striding past Edward, throwing a thanks over my shoulder at the good doctor. Sparkles decided to follow me after a moment of hesitation.

"I'm glad you're ok." He tried.

"I'm not. Could have gotten out of here." I grinned at him, and we stopped together in the hall. "Don't do that again. It's a terrible way of keeping that secret of yours safe."

His eyebrows shot up but I saw the panic glimmer in his eyes. "And what secret might that be?"

"There's not many fictional creatures that move that fast and are that strong, Cullen." My grin didn't fade, not for a second.

"Ah, but the key word there is fictional." He managed to keep his tone light and it pissed me off. Couldn't you at least be a little more threatened by my accusations? I know they are true, fuckwit.

I shrugged. "Doesn't change anything, does it?" I threw him a wink and then set off again. This time, he didn't follow me.

* * *

 **I would very much appreciate a review, or just give me shit for being crap at uploading, that's fine too. All attention is good attention.**

 **~I.F.~**


	8. Pushy and Punchy

**Wahey, I've got another one of these punched out. So now we know I've returned for at least two before bailing again.**

 **Love you lot really. Message me with abuse** **if you want, it gets me off.**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

Fork's got real fucking boring, real fucking fast when the Sparkley fuckers stopped paying attention to me. It makes sense now, Bella could fall in love with them or kill herself because of boredom, and she made the wrong decision. I actually enjoyed the monotony. I liked watching my grades dropped to satisfying F's as I did nothing in class. I'd downloaded all of my music onto Bella's iPod by now, so there wasn't a moment that I didn't have at least one ear phone in and music on so loud the surrounding people could listen in too.

My bag nearly fell off my shoulder as I shuffled to the cafeteria, boredom clear on my features and my finger pressing 'Skip' on the music player in my pocket and over and over before I settled on 'Best Friends' by Grandson. And fuck did I miss mine. The song washed over me, but by the time it had finished I'd been humming along and moving with a little more conviction as I got my food and searched for a place to sit. I was beckoned over the dreaded table of horny teenagers and shrugged, settling down with them.

I had a sandwich shoved half-way down my throat when Mike lent in a little too close. "Hey, babe."

"... No." I spoke around the food and then worked on swallowing it. Somewhere in the canteen, someone loud with good hearing laughed. My bets were on Emmett. I wiped my mouth with my arm and stared at Mike with one eyebrow raised.

"Cute. Look, the dance is coming up."

"No hablo Ingles." I tried. He moved smoothly past it and I cursed myself. Should have pretended to be Spanish from the beginning.

"I think that, as the most attractive people of the group," My eyebrows reached the ceiling. Bella wasn't _that_ hot, and he certainly wasn't. "I think we owe it to the student body to go together. Like, as a date." I heard one of the provided forks snap, and my eyes moved to find that Edward had been the culprit. In his stoney fist he'd broken one completely. I looked back at Mike and savored that moment to laugh at later. Jealous weirdo.

I sighed and shook my head, placing my sandwich back down. "No, Mike." Apparently my bullshit quips weren't getting my refusal across, so I had to be direct. This, it turned out, was the wrong decision. He was suddenly up on his feet, a blush raising high on his cheeks.

"Why? Why the fuck not?" He was almost shouting, which was enough for the cafeteria to quieten as teenagers searched for the gossipy kicks.

I rolled my eyes. "I said no, come on man. Don't be a fucking bitch about it."

"Coming from you, eh?" He shook his head and had a wild smile on his face, as if he was in disbelief. "Come on, Bella. I want reasons." He nodded to himself with conviction. "Five reasons. Else you go with me." I scoffed and stood up, wiping my hands and shaking my head.

"You want five reasons, huh?" He stared at me. "Huh?" I prompted again, anger rising in me at his rudeness. A no should have been enough for this creep.

"Y-yeah." His confidence clearly took a hit when he realised I hadn't just faded and gone along with it.

I lifted my hand, in a fist, and raised a finger with each statement. "You're a prick. You're pushy as fuck. You're cocky. You walk around with a nose like _that_ and somehow manage to still think you're attractive. Oh, and you wouldn't take no as an answer." I wiggled my fingers, which caught his attention so that when I swung my hand forward and smacked him it was right on target.

'Ooohs' and gasps sounded out around the canteen, but they were drowned out when Jessica's chair screeched across the floor. She pushed up and got between us as Mike cradled his cheek, anger and embarrassment on his face. When she spoke, her voice was a shrill as the screech of her chair.

"Stupid bitch! He was being fucking nice to you, extending a fucking pity date for your ugly ass." She got up in my face and I glowered, moving forward to meet her.

"You're gonna fucking try me, Jess?"

"Oh yeah, you think you're hot shit rejecting him? Looks like you're committed to your plan of dying alone." She reached up to touch my face as some bullshit display of dominance so I lifted my fist, but Angela was up in a second pulling my arm down and urging me to take a few steps back. I did, sweat on my forehead.

"I'll be the mature one." I spat, and turned, shrugging Angela off. I got step forward before Jessica opened her fat mouth again.

"Stupid little fucking whore. Too chicken to fight me. Run off and suck someone's dick behind the bleachers like your fucking mom does." This time, the 'Oohs' of the room were much louder. I stilled, and out of the corner of the eye I saw Edward's brows pull together with concern and the rest of them tense. Alice hurried Jasper off, as if she'd seen something happen that would result in blood. Well, that certainly gave me a good idea.

I turned back around sharply, but she was ready for it. She gave a smack, and I let my head turn with it. I looked back at her and grinned as my cheek turned red and burned from the slap.

"You hit like a fucking girl." And with that, my fist swung and hit her jaw, causing her head to snap to the side and for a tooth to fly out of her mouth. It clattered on the ground and left little spots of blood on the tiles. She fell backwards into Mike, who in shock barely caught her as she ragdolled against him and howled. I was off in an instant, trying to march out but being swift enough that a teacher wouldn't catch me if any came to her aid.

I kicked the doors open and was striding down the hall in moments, hands buried in my hair and pulling at my roots as anger surged me. Who the fuck does she think she is? Reasoning escaped me as my mind reeled with the words she used. Comparing me to my worthless mother. Even though she didn't know her, she was spot fucking on, and that burned at my brain. I punched a locker, hopefully hers, on my way out.

* * *

 **A tad shorter than the last one, but I didn't want to be unnecessary with it. I love writing Jessica as a bitch.**

 **I hope you lot liked this one, it actually had something interesting happen in it after all.**

 **Review or I'll kill your dog.**

 **~I.F~**


	9. Allies

**Well I guess I am still here. Perhaps three is an unlucky number and now all will end.**

 **Here's a little bit Edward, with a very different kind of inner voice to Lara. This is of course intentional. Feel free to leave feedback!**

 **Regardless, enjoy!**

* * *

 **Edward's P.O.V**

Emmett was howling with laughter at the punch, because it was a good solid one. We all heard the sickening noise it made, a meaty sound, as Bella's fist knocked a tooth from Jessica's mouth. Alice and Jasper had left, but I was too distract by the scene to check her mind for the vision so it even came as a surprise to me; the little splatters of blood were a good thing to get Jasper away from.

Forks had not been the same, I mused, since she had arrived. Everything had turned up to eleven; my hunger, the lewd thoughts in boys heads, the fights. Christ, we'd not seen a fight here in the years we'd been coming. Certainly not on school grounds anyway. There was something about that odd little human; and not just that I couldn't get inside her head.

She was beautiful, but beyond her physicality. She had a nice figure, yes, but it was how she carried herself that caught my attention. There was nothing fickle about this attraction, I was just pulled towards her rudeness, defensiveness and snappy nature. I usually hated violence but I still somehow felt proud in that moment, because she'd defended her honor and stayed true to glorious bitch that she was. I rose and shook my head, and the bell sounded a moment later just like I knew it would. Everyone scampered away, even Jessica.

No one wanted to get in trouble, because both girls had injured faces and Mike wouldn't want to be any more embarrassed than he already was. We all separated too, but I could still hear Emmett chuckling and Rosalie grumbling from down the hall.

 **Lara's P.O.V**

I walked to Biology after a short break in the cold air outside. I had a lobsided grin on my face, and even with Bella's good posture I managed to get back to the usual boyish stride I had back home. Edward was already there when I arrived, so I swung my bag to the ground and sat down heavily next to him. He was smiling at me, a smug smirk that made me want to punch him just like I had Jess.

"Do I have a dick on my face?" I asked, an eyebrow raised. The last time I told this joke I got cursed by some witch. Can't wait to get back there and burn her at the stake.

He laughed and shook his head. "No, actually."

As planned, I feigned confusion and panic. "Fuck! I must've lost it." He snorted inelegantly and my grin widened. Not only had I made him look unnattractive in that action, I'd also got someone to laugh at one of my dumbest gags.

Shaking his head and chuckling, he organised his paper on the table. "That was quite the show."

"She had it coming." I didn't miss a beat. I'd never felt bad for a fight, because they were always for a good reason. I was short, back home. I was strong, yeah, but not a natural fighter. Didn't have much of a physical advantage over anyone; and the only muscles I had were because I did some heavy lifting at the garage two blocks over. I kinda missed that kind of slave labor, Bella had it all cushy. Didn't know what she was missing, grease streaked across the forehead was a good look.

"Your cheeks looking pretty red." I nodded at the comment.

"Honestly she gave a good smack. If it'd been a weak attempt I would've let her go; needed to know if she could handle catching these hands." I pulled a face and jokingly raised my fists, moving them in circles like a boxer. He batted them down with a light hand, and I let him as we both laughed. I turned back to the desk and cracked my neck.

"So after all that are you going to the dance, or not?" He asked carefully, leaning his chin on his hand. The lesson had started, but I didn't care, and he was idly writing down all the answers anyway. I copied dutifully, without even pretending not to. This was the only class I wasn't failing because of his perfectly written out work.

"Is that an actual question?" I snorted. "Because honestly mate, I'd rather spend my life as Jessica." Fuck. I cursed myself for that, because I used to say that about Bella, and now look at me. All brown eyed and dull.

"Well then, I was thinking about going into Port Angeles that night. There's a good few book shops there, and a record place. I know you like music, right?"

"Just not Debussy." I reminded him playfully.

He laughed and nodded. "Yes, just not Debussy. You could come with me, is what I mean to ask."

My eyebrows hit the roof and I lent on my hand, mimicking him. "Are you asking me out on a date, Cullen?" The nickname 'Sparkles' had danced on my tongue but I'd managed to reign it in.

He spluttered a little, and I loved it. I loved making the stone penis statue quake in his overly expensive shoes. "Well-Yes, no.. Just an outing. As friends."

I laughed "Friends is a little touchy feely. Allies?" I extended my hand to him, and his lips tightened into a line before he relaxed and took it. He gave it a firm shake that I didn't even bother trying to rival, and nodded.

"Allies it is."

"So you'll have to pick me up, I don't think my truck could drive that far without killing me and it. Four o'clock. It's like two weeks away yeah?" He nodded, and a scolding from the teacher drew our attention back to the class. It went by relatively quickly, but I was more than ready to get home and do fuck all for the rest of the night by the end of it. Eddie walked me part way to my car before I bullied him away, and then I set off straight home.

I got in, throwing my keys on the the little table by the door.

"Hey dad!" I called. I'd tried to copy Bella in calling him Charlie, but I'd never call my dad by his first name, so it just made sense for me to call him that too. Plus it seemed to make him happy, and Charlie never did anything wrong in the books.

"Bells! I need you to do me a favour." He came out of the living room and stood in the door way, leaning against it. I grimaced.

"Ugh, really? I just got in." I whined, shuffling over to the stairs where I sat to get my boots off.

"You're gonna want to keep those on. I just need you to run down to La Push, drop something off with Billy. You can see Jacob! It's been years since you've spent time with him!" I raised an eyebrow up at him. Oh, I was more than willing to go. Jake was fit as fuck and I'd not miss an opportunity to fuck with him as well as old Eddie.

Even so, I had to be a bitch. "And why can't you go?"

He moved his head in a nod toward the TV in the room behind him. "Games on." I laughed incredulously and shook my head. "Come on, make up for all the detentions you got the last two weeks." He had me there.

I gave a groan but nodded. "Sir yes sir. What am I taking?" He disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a fishing rod and a metal tool box, which I think I'd seen him keep bait in. I re-laced my shoe and stood up to take them off him. "This is it?" He shook his head, and grabbed a case of six beers and extended that to me. I took that too, and shook my head. "Men."

"Have fun, Bells." He called, having already disappeared to watch whatever sport ball game was on. I rolled my eyes and lugged the shit out to Shitty Shitty Bang Bang, loading it on the passenger seat before climbing in and starting the engine.

Off to see the wolves.

* * *

 **I'm changing it up a little, last time there was no Jacob or La Push in this story. Thought it would be nice to add it in. I've not read the book in like six years though so if shit's wrong deal with it.**

Review and I'll send you nudes.

~I.F~


	10. The Garage

**Time to muscle Lara into Jacob's way and have some fun. Potentially.**

 **Shout out to the Guest who reviewed this who said some really nice things about how the original was a coping method and that you're glad this is back! Really needed that today, you're rad. Shame you didn't want the nudes though.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

I had to use a map to get to La Push. This did not go well. The journey was probably doubled in time because I took more wrong turns than white people do in horror movies. I did get there though, and by the time I arrived I was glad to jump out of the truck. It was a clearing that was by the houses, where lots of the other cars were parked. I slammed the door shut and grumbled to myself about the time as I pulled the shit from the passenger side.

I made my way to the one Charlie had previously mentioned to be Billy's, and used my foot to knock on the door because my hands were full. I stood there, shoulders sagging and an increasingly pissed off look on my face as I waited. And waited. The old fucker was in a wheel chair but there was no way it would take him this long to get to the goddamn door. I stepped away from the door and peered around the house, seeing a garage with the door pulled up. I couldn't see if anyone was inside yet but I figured I'd take my chances and made my way down. I could always just dump the shit there anyway.

"Bells!" I cringed, my shoulders lifting up as I heard someone call after me. I turned around to see a tall, Native American babe with long black hair and and wolfy grin.

"Jacob?" My voice tilted with uncertainty.

"Come on Bella, be a little happier to see me." He was directly in front of me in a snap second, grinning down. Do I hug him? Would Bella have done that? _I wanted to do that._

I decided on a yes, and placed the things down to sling my arms around his neck in a hug. He picked me up and squirmed. "Crossing a boundary there Jakey!" He chuckled and put me down, running his hands through his hair. I remember being disappointed when he cut it all short for New Moon. "I've got this shit for your dad."

"Such language!" He feigned offense and I punched his shoulder jokingly.

"Don't be such a pussy. Charlie said to give him these too." I lifted the case of beers and an idea clearly hit Jacob in the forehead. He started walking past me and to the garage so I followed. There was a bike there and a lot of its components beside it on the ground. "You've gutted the poor thing!" I laughed. He grinned and took the case off me, pulling two out and handing me one. I wasn't gonna say no.

"It'll thank for me for it later. You like bikes?" His voice was filled with doubt and his eyebrows were high. I cracked open the beer and drank heavily, having missed the taste. We drank a lot back home.

"Oh yeah man. I work summers in a garage, they don't let me touch shit but I like to watch when I'm on break." I explained. "It's fuckin rad." I added, peering closer at the bike. It looked rough, banged up and dirty. But that was just how I liked it. Sex, too.

 _Stop pretending to yourself that you're not a virgin._ I chided to myself. Good point, me.

"You worked at a garage.. but not on the vehicles?"

"Too girly innit. And paid too little." I laughed, leaning back against one of the work tops. "I did inventory and carried shit around for them. Answered calls and shit."

He laughed. "A glorified secretary, then." I picked up a greasy rag and threw it at him, but he caught it straight out the air so I stuck my tongue out instead.

"Perhaps I should have worn a cute little pencil skirt and a blouse undone to here.." I gestured at about half way down my cleavage - or, well, where there would have been cleavage if Bella wasn't so damn slim.

That wolfish look returned to his face. "Hey no complaints here. You can be my glorified secretary if you want." I downed the rest of the beer and threw that at him instead, this time catching him in the chest. "You wound me, Bells."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "So, how's tricks? You do much around here?"

"Bikes, surfing. Bonfires."

"You fucking surf in this weather? Have your balls shriveled up and died?" He laughed boisterously. Didn't quite compare to Emmett's though.

"I'd say it takes pretty big balls to go out in waters that cold."

I nodded. "Oh aye, but those are metaphorical balls. I bet your real ones are prunes." I snorted. I was still holding the fishing stuff, so I set it down. "Am I alright to leave this here?"

"Yeah, I'll tell him you came by. Shame he can't see you, I know he was pretty chuffed about giving you that truck."

"Oh did he want to torture me by giving me that piece of shit?"

"Hey, I worked on that!" He sounded defensive, but still had a twinge of humour in his voice.

"Oh so its your fault then?" I grinned. "It fucking splutters at me every time I turn the engine on. Some day it's gonna drive me off a cliff, "Herbie Goes Bananas'" style." Boy, what a film to reference. Nice one, Lara.

"Eh, bring it over when I've got more time and I'll get it sorted for you."

"I dunno if I can trust you with it, considering the state its already in after being in your care." I stood up straight, taking his remark about not having much time as a cue to get gone.

He grinned wildly and stepped closer. "Oh, so is the glorified secretary gonna fix it instead?"

I laughed and met his eyes with challenge burning in mine. "Only once I've got that little skirt." I stepped back then and smoothly turned around, setting back off toward my car. "Have a good time with your shriveled ballsack, Jakey!" I called back, knowing he'd not followed me. He was far too big and heavy-footed to follow quietly, after all. I got back to the truck and pulled myself in, music straight on and seatbelt done up in seconds.

I set off toward home, being careful of the way back this time. I'd have to be careful not to get a lusty werewolf on my heels, so I resigned that I probably wouldn't be seeing him much. It was a shame, because I enjoyed his laddish company that always felt lost on Bella. I never cared enough to be 'team Jacob' or anything, because I fucking hated the lot of them, but he was definitely the closest this world had to my real type.

At least I'd managed to get a few laughs out of Eddie, though.

* * *

 **This one is shorter, but it was pretty much just a silly filler chapter. She wouldn't be going to La Push with the kids from school anymore because of her punching Jess so this seemed like the best way to get them to meet.**

 **Review so that I have something to touch myself to at night.**

 **~I.F~**


	11. Sunk In

**Still going. Is anyone else surprised?**

 **Enjoy, dearies.**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

Even after the fun with Jacob, and an uneventful evening that spanned into an uneventful morning, my mood was low the next day. I couldn't be bothered talking to people in class. I couldn't find it in myself to check my phone for messages or emails. I knew there wouldn't be a notification that I wanted there. There wouldn't be harassment from Leia, my closest friend. There wouldn't be her boyfriend, Eli, asking me for advice or sending me a new song he thought I'd like. There wouldn't be anything from my dad, asking how school was, or if my mother had bothered to come home much this week. There wouldn't be any of that, so I didn't care.

The thing is, it'd really sunk in. I wasn't home. It was funny here, no doubt. I knew what was going to happen and I had some kind of control. I didn't have that at home. I just lived at home, I got drunk and did drugs and failed classes and made a terrible name for myself. I wasn't happy at home, but I wasn't happy here either; I just wasn't happy. I hated being a sob story but sometimes people are, sometimes you do get punk kids with parental issues that get drunk because it makes them feel better; not everything that you get in books is a non-existing stereotype or-

Fuck, I'm even boring myself. Point was, I was over this shit. Ready to blow this town and get right back to Leia's couch where I could mooch off her rich kid lifestyle.

So I had music on, because it made me feel better, every moment of the day. Even as I walked to the canteen to get food I didn't think I could manage, I had some song from my "Sad Songs for Happy Times" playlist blaring through headphones. I was itching for a cigarette, too. Real bad. Just shows its all in your head, because this body has never so much as held one of the little bastards let alone smoked one. Someone had to have one.

Whilst I was in line for food, there was a kid I didn't know behind me, so I asked him. He shrugged and gave me one, with a brief congratulations about hitting Jessica. I allowed him a grin and a thank you before slipping the cigarette behind my ear and continuing on.

I finished, turned and almost crashed into Edward. "What the fuck are you doing?" I snapped, not in the mood. I pulled my earphones out by the wire and let them drop, because I had them wound around my neck so they wouldn't totally fall off me.

His eyes had a playfulness to them but it dropped quickly at my tone. "Are you alright?"

"Peachy." I nodded, moving past him. He reached out to touch me and I moved to avoid it, my eyes flashing. "No." I warned. He put his hands up in surrender, so I rolled my eyes and moved on. I sat down, dropping the tray with a clatter. He followed me, like I knew he would, and sat opposite. He had an apple in his hand, which he then settled on the table. I sighed and placed my phone on the table too, pausing the music it was playing seeing as he was going to stay.

"You sure?"

"Oh I am certain." I gave him wide smile that didn't show teeth and picked at my food. He frowned and reached out, and I watched him with a glare as he pulled the cigarette from my ear.

"These things kill you."

"Well, I mean, so do skidding vans in the snow but I've been doing alright so far." I reached out to snatch it back but he pulled it out of arms reach. I laughed bitterly and shook my head. "Come on, man. I bummed that off some kid. He probably worked all week for the packet that came from." I tried the joke but it didn't work. He just watched me intently. I sat back in my seat, slouching.

"Whats up, Bella?"

"The sky. Although that is also down if you consider the other side of the world." I quipped. He remained unimpressed. "Tough crowd."

"Seriously, whats wrong?" I groaned loudly and dropped my head back to look at the ceiling. "I'll give you this back if you tell me."

I sprung back up and nodded. "Seriously?"

"Mhm."

"I'm homesick." I said smoothly. Didn't even have to tell him a lie.

His shoulders slumped. "That's it?"

"What, you wanted me to be suicidal so you could play hero?" I snapped, sitting back again and tilting my head to look at him.

"No, just.." He sighed and shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "Tell me what you're missing, specifically."

I shifted a little. "Friends, mostly. I had some good ones. Some of them even sold drugs. They were the keepers." I joked, but he saw the truth in the beginning of my sentence and nodded.

"You could always make friends here?" He offered, as if I was asking him for advice.

I laughed and shook my head. "Nah man. No other Leia's in the world. She is one nasty piece of work and by god do I love her."

"Phone calls not enough, then?" He was clearly assuming that we stayed in contact. That we could stay in contact.

"It's not the same. She's this rich kid, right. But she's all punk and shit to get back at her parents. It'll never work, they'd support her if she fucking killed someone, you know? But it makes her feel better. We throw parties at her place all the time." I paused, and looked down. "Sorry. Threw parties." The past tense really stung.

"I didn't take you for a party girl." His eyes became playful again, and as I often did, I fed off that energy.

"Oh I'm a real wild card. I could drink a sailor under the table, me. Maybe I should drink those chemicals that are always left on the side in biology later to prove my iron liver." He grinned a little.

"Do it next time. I'm not gonna be in this class."

My eyebrows shot up in surprise and then it dawned on me. I laughed. "Ah, blood typing. It always weeds out the weak." I teased.

"I'm allowed to be uncomfortable around blood! That stuffs supposed to stay in you." He justified. I scoffed at his excuses.

"I've been around my share it."

He looked concerned, and intrigued, very suddenly. "What do you mean?"

I grinned wildly at him. "I'm a _woman,_ Cullen." He blinked, stared at me, and then made a loud noise of disgust and slumped back in his chair.

"You're a class act, you are." He said sarcastically, shaking his head. I smiled at him, and then extended my hand.

"If you're disappearing I want my cigarette back." He gave it to me, but there was a reluctance there. "I can't get addicted to them again, I ain't got the money, so don't sweat it." I stuck my tongue out at him and stood up. The bell went the second my back was straight. I put my phone in my pocket after pressing play on the music and didn't say goodbye as I put my earphones back in. I was in a lighter mood for Biology, but still far too aware of what I was missing back home.

* * *

 **How do you guys feel about this stuff? I know it's a bit of faff. Nothing really worthwhile happened so tell me if you want more or less of this.**

 **Review to keep me from eating cats alive.**

 **~I.F~**


	12. Blood Typing

**Blood Typing but with a bit of a twist that definitely isn't a surprise to anyone that read the original coming up!**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

I sat down in Biology and lent my face on both hands as I watched the teacher organise the blood typing equipment. I'd never done it before, but I knew I wouldn't get queasy. Blood just wasn't a big deal and I'd pricked my finger with needles enough times sewing absurd patches onto denim jackets. Hah, bet you thought I was going to say doing drugs or something. I'm far too poor for heroine.

I mean, don't do drugs kids. They're bad and shit.

We all got started but only fifteen minutes in the quiet lesson became another method of torture. I had already pricked my finger and put Bella's blood where it needed to be when Mr. Banner called my name.

"What did I do?" I asked, looking up at him with my eyebrows up. He shook his head and sighed in his distinct old-man way, looking at my work instead of me.

"You are done, yes?" He sounded surprised but not impressed. Story of my life.

"Well I am the legend, icon and star Bella Swan and therefore have executed this task perfectly, yes." I said with a serious tone, nodding along as I spoke. His expression didn't change.

"Well Mike Newton needs to be taken to the nurse." He gestured to the sickly looking boy, and half of the class errupted in snickers whilst the others 'ooh'd. Oh great, nice one, Mr. Banner. It's like you want me to stab the kid.

"You're punishing me for doing the work?" I asked him, blinking hard. He grimaced.

"Just take him. Everyone else is busy." I groaned and stood up, and walked over to the door where Mike was already standing. He immediately slumped against me, pale and sticky, and making horrible little moaning sounds in my ear. I lugged him outside, one arm under his as we both stumbled; his weight being a little bit too much. Once we were out in the air he seemed to feel better, as his hand slipped from my waist to my ass.

I shoved him off, glaring. "No fucking hands below the equator." His eyes flashed to my chest and I glowered at him. "Or above, face-ache." He snickered so I smacked the back of his head which made him lean over, which was apparently not the best thing for lad's stomach. He stumbled a few steps to the side and started to vomit, chunks of the poor quality lunch we'd been served splattering across the pavement. I watched, hands on my hips and a bored look on my face.

He sat down on the curb and I straightened. "Oh no Sunshine. You are not wasting any more of my fucking time with your bullshit. Get the fuck up."

He leaned over onto his side, lying there now instead. So I kicked him in the back, and more puke spewed from his mouth. I barked a laugh and he muttered. "Are you happy now?"

"Oh, just ecstatic." I nodded, grinning at him but still quickly losing patience. He opened his mouth to talk but a far smoother voice intervened.

"Bella?" I turned, arms swinging idly, to look at Edward as he approached.

"Y'alright Cullen?" He nodded and came to stand next to me, looking down at Mike.

"Have I caught you mid murder?" His nose scrunched up at the smell of the vomit.

"I haven't decided yet. We could drag him into the woods." I offered, smiling slightly at him.

"Or leave him here. If he can crawl to the nurses' office for help, then he lives. If he can't make it then is it really a shame if he dies?" I barked loud, heavy laughter.

"Fucking Christ, settle down Dr. Eugenics. Survival of the Fittest would've left me dead in the water years ago." I grinned, shaking my head at him.

"If you're allowed shocking jokes, then so am I." He quipped, still looking at the heap Mike had became on the ground. I got an idea, and crouched as I began patting down Mike's trousers. He squirmed and yelled out assault, which only made me roll my eyes as I eventually pulled a lighter from his pocket.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked, one eyebrow quirked.

"Didn't have one." I raised the lighter to show him and then stood up, stepping over Mike and heading toward the Volvo. "We're gonna go listen to music in your car." He laughed at my forwardness but went along with it anyway, unlocking it and letting me in.

Five minutes later, I had hijacked the AUX cord and had my "Angry Feminist Music" playlist blasting from the speakers as I lit my cigarette. He reached for it with a groan.

"Not in the car!"

I stuck my middle finger up at him and took a long drag. "Fuck off, I'm not enjoying my first cigarette in months out in the cold."

"It's gonna reek in here for weeks." He whined, reaching for it again. I glared at him.

"Let me have my coping mechanisms, dammit!" I shifted away from him in the seat but pressed the button to lower the window so that I could blow the smoke out instead of it staying in the car. "Happy?"

"Overjoyed." He said dryly. I grinned at him, victorious. "You smoke back home then?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Not much, just when shit gets rough. Had to steal them from my mother."

"So is 'shit rough' here then?" He asked, tilting his head as he looked at me.

I paused, again bringing the cigarette to my lips and then blowing the smoke out the car before responding. "The roughest." It wasn't true, not really. Just felt like it sometimes.

"Moves can be hard." I scoffed at him, and he looked at me curiously. He didn't know what kind of move I'd been through. I'd not moved cities, but fucking universes.

"Leaving everything you have behind is hard, you mean." I said bitterly. "I miss city life. I miss making out with people I barely know in the elevator of Leia's apartment after parties. I miss seeing girls sneakily pass each other ecstasy tablets in the changing rooms. I really miss how easy it was to get drunk." I rested my head back, staring off a little. "I miss being me." I murmured. Not that he wouldn't here, and I knew that.

"You don't feel like yourself here?" I could see confusion and frustration his face, a good reminder that he couldn't read my thoughts.

I shrugged, backtracking. I lifted my feet and set them up on the dash board. "Just being a melodramatic teenager. Don't mind me." I stuck my tongue out at him and he moaned again, this time taking hold of my legs and moving them back down. "Oi!" I laughed as he fussed at the marks my boots had left.

"You're a menace."

"I do try." I mimed tilting a hat at him and then returned to my cigarette. I shouted along with a lyric from the song that was playing distractedly and then my phone went off. I pulled it out, and noticed Edward also moved to read it.

 _Hey Bells. It's Jake. Your dad gave me your number._

I snorted. "Looks like my dad is trying to set me up with a date." I shook my head and responded quickly.

 _Great now you can send me pictures of your dick._

"Bella!" Edward chided, looking at me incredulously. I grinned cheekily at him.

"He wouldn't do it anyway. He's a pussy. And he's shit at working on cars." I pointed at my truck that was parked a few rows over. "He's responsible for that piece of shit."

"I hate that truck." Edward added, nodding smoothly.

"Well in that case it's my baby and I love it." I grinned. "And I now really hope Jacob sends me a picture of his dick." Edward rolled his eyes.

"Is he from here?"

"La Push, the reservation. So yeah, kinda." I watched for his reaction, wondering if it would twig in his head that that could mean werewolves. It didn't seem to trigger anything, though. My phone went off again.

 _Only if you've got a hold of that skirt yet, glorified secretary._

I barked a laugh. "Fucking pervert. Utter dog." I grinned slyly to myself at the relevancy. "Just how I like them." I teased Edward, winking. He seemed appalled.

"Really?"

"Are you surprised? Didn't you hear Jessica, I'm a whore." I said bluntly, blowing smoke out the car again.

He shook his head and chuckled. "No you're not."

"True. Do you know that because you're a vampire?" I didn't look at him, instead looking out of the passenger window idly. After a pause I narrowed my eyes and turned back to him. "You know, because they hunt virgins and shit?"

He forced a laugh. "You've decided I'm a vampire, have you? Since when?"

"Tyler's truck." I shrugged. "It's vampire or werewolf. At first I assumed werewolf because you're so lame." I winked. He seemed to relax, assuming I was joking.

"I am not lame." He laughed, leaning in closer to me. "And I don't smell of wet dog." I chuckled, nodding.

"Alright, I'll give you that one. Though I'm sure werewolves can scrub up nicely. I bet they book nice double appointments at the dog groomers and get their claws did." I joked. He nodded along and chuckled.

"Well what made you switch to vampire then?" His eyes were meeting mine, and I let them, enjoying the warmth of the amber. We were close now, and I was leaning my elbow on the little compartment between the seats, my face rested on my hand. He was just leaning over, and watched me closely. He only looked away from my face when I moved my other hand to take a drag from the cigarette, but then became focussed on my eyes again.

"You're all dark and mysterious. Stick to a small group. Attractive, Quick.. Strong.." I lent in closer, eyes flickering down to his lips. He seemed eager to mirror me, leaning in too. A second before our noses touched, I pulled back and opened the car door, nodding down at his arm, where I'd put out my cigarette. "And you didn't feel that."

In an instant I was out and walking confidently to my truck. I heard him curse and close the door that I'd left open, a smirk growing across my face as I hauled ass into Shitty Shitty Bang Bang and took off home.

* * *

 **I'm clever as balls**

 **Review, dearies!**

 **~I.F.~**


	13. But She Pissed Me Off

**It's clear to me now that this is going to be a bit longer than the original. I'm including more scenes from the original and such so, I hope you guys don't mind. It'll slow it down but ultimately I think is better for the plot.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

Edward was apparently unimpressed by my joke with the cigarette, because he actually ignored me for a couple of days. I think he was dealing with a bullshit inner battle over putting me in danger by being near me or something. It pissed me off, because he was the only person I'd bothered to actually have anything to do with, so it left me bored and without anyone to tease.

So, I totally started skipping school. I had first gone to one of the local bars but it turned out everyone either knows Bella or knows her as Charlie's daughter, which meant it was literally impossible to get served without a fake ID. And day drinking was no fun alone. So, with a few days of him ignoring me and a couple more of me not turning up, a full week had passed and it was the next Monday by the time we saw each other again.

I strode, as always, into the canteen. I'd broken out of the habit of looking for them, because I'd kind of gotten used to them. It was utter bullshit, but I'd basically gotten used to this as my life. Occasionally it'd hit me again and I'd spiral and pray to find some whiskey under my pillow to drown myself in. So it was just another day at school, and it wasn't like I wasn't used to being behind in all my classes. I even knew how to intercept the phone calls home, so Charlie didn't even know.

I sat down with my lunch and immediately got my phone out, being absorbed by that for a moment. I opened the camera and checked my hair, grimacing a bit. I was sick of how Bella looked. At first I could bare with the drab clothes because I just wanted to be gone and saw no point in settling in in this body. Now I was used to the height, and the skinniness, but the hair bothered me. I nodded to myself as I decided that I would do something to it, I'd always wanted to shave the side of my head and this was a solid opportunity. I only looked up when Edward settled across from me. I looked up at him with a grin.

"Hey fucko. Talking to me again?"

He didn't respond, instead shooting his own question at me. "Have you been ill?"

I raised an eyebrow and looked back at myself on the screen, running a hand through the brown hair and then closing the camera app and putting the phone down. "Nah, just skipped a few days. Awh, were you worried?" I mocked, placing a hand to my chest. "I'm flattered."

He gave a shrug. "Maybe. Although I'm still pissed that you put a cigarette out on my arm." My eyebrows somehow got higher.

"Get over it, that was like over a week ago or something. Move on. You've had enough time on this Earth to know how to do that."

His eyes and expression darkened. "Stop with the Vampire nonsense, Bella."

"Vampire? I just meant the 17 years, of course." I quipped. "Maybe you're only bringing that back up because you are a Vampire and are feeling defensive because I've figured it out."

"Don't be ridiculous. It's not funny anymore, thats all."

"I bet Emmett thinks it's funny, seeing as he's totally listening, just like the rest of your family." I shot a look over his shoulder at his usual table, where Emmett grinned sheepishly and turned away. Rosalie shot a glare.

"He was probably just wondering why I'm sat here." Edward justified, but I saw something like defeat show in his eyes as he realised Emmett was totally blatantly listening. "Which I will no longer be doing." He stood up, and without thinking, I blurted;

"Wait!" And then I wanted to fucking kill myself. Why did I fucking care? This world was poisoning me. Maybe there's something the cafeteria food. "I mean.. Are we still on for Port Angeles?"

His eyes seemed to soften and he paused, then nodded. "Wednesday at four, right?"

I nodded in confirmation. "Alright now you can fuck off and stop existing until I next see you." I joked, waving him away. I slumped back and cursed myself for enjoying his company.

* * *

 **Edward's P.O.V**

I was drawn to her and found her beautiful; but she definitely pissed me off. People didn't ever guess what we were so quickly. She was always so sharp and I had noticed that she her eyes were never soft; always aware and calculating even if it was just working on her little jokes and comebacks. They didn't suit the rest of her body, it was almost like her personality and those little brown orbs belonged to different soul.

I was also pissed off because I'd been so willing to get so close to her in my car. The way I lent in, sinking into her space and being pulled along by her silly games. She'd done that whole thing just to prove a point, just to prove that I wouldn't be hurt. I wondered if she also did it to test the waters, to see if I would get close and kiss her given the opportunity. I would have, and I cursed myself for it.

I was too dangerous for her. Even with her own strength, she was nothing to me. I could damage her physically and emotionally and I could not allow myself to enter such a relationship with a human. We'd have to move away, because we wouldn't kill her, though Rosalie had already viciously suggested it. Not that that had surprised any of us.

Alice seemed to love her, from a distance. Whenever she saw visions of them meeting it didn't quite go well, leaving one or the other upset or angry, so she was holding off for the perfect moment and avoiding any clashes. She keeps hiding some visions from me, so I think she's seen a future where it either goes really well or really wrong. Emmett was endlessly amused by her, but most things made him laugh, so that didn't surprise me. Jasper, however, was the one that confused me. He was surprisingly attached, in his own way. I'd noted that he so often thought about her emotions, because they fired around so randomly and, in his own words, felt 'out of place'. There was a lot of hate, he'd noted. I think he saw something of his younger self in her, though I do hope she's less murderous. Nevertheless he'd enjoyed hearing about the fight.

I thought about our plans to go to Port Angeles together, and felt guilty for ever suggesting them, and continuing to go along with them. I should be keeping my distance, setting boundaries, not placing us together in confined and intimate places like my Volvo. And not just because I was aware she'd do anything to hurt, scuff or dirty it. I was so aware that I could kill her so easily and it ate at me.

That would be the last we saw of each other, I decided. I'd stay away from her after that. For the both of us.

* * *

 **Bit of Eddie for you. And perhaps a hint at their fate.**

 **Review please I'm going to die without the validation.**

 **~I.F~**


	14. Exciting Journey

**Alright so it's been a short while because I'm depressed, deal with it.**

 **Enjoy**

* * *

 **Lara's P.O.V**

Wednesday rolled around fast, and I was sat comfortably on Bella's bed wishing I knew who in this godforsaken town sold weed. I had music on pretty loud, some first wave punk band, so I almost didn't hear when the horn honked outside the house. I groaned and dragged myself up from the bed and over to the window. I stared down at Edward, who was outside his car by the time I'd gotten up to look. He threw a lobsided grin up at me and I shook my head, waving a hand dismissively. I moved away from the window and pulled off my shirt, swapping it for another one. I'd started cutting up and spraying bleach on Bella's old clothes, just make them look that little bit more me.

I then grabbed a bag and purse, then kicked the stereo until it stopped playing before eventually heading downstairs. I messed up Bella's hair with both hands and shouted a goodbye to Charlie as I stepped into the fresh air.

"Sup, fucker?" I grinned, pulling out a pair of sunglasses, round and vintage, and put them on even though it wasn't sunny. He cocked an eyebrow at me and chuckled.

"You _definitely_ don't need those."

"You _definitely_ don't need that stick up your ass, and yet..." I walked to around and got into his car, slumping down in the seat and chucking my bag behind me. I pulled the door closed and waited for him to get in, getting comfortable. No seat belt, feet up and my knees at my chest.

"You're lucky I'm such a good driver, else you could die sat like that." He said bluntly, after a short glance at my transition.

"If only. But don't worry, I have faith in your Vampire reflexes." I looked out the window to avoid his glare as we pulled off. I was so done holding onto this secret.

He sped off, and I was a little wary of the speed. It was just obnoxious. But I did love getting to stick my middle finger up when he cut people off. "I'm so glad you drive like a fucking maniac."

"Vampire reflexes." He joked, but it was sour. I stuck my tongue out at him and started rummaging through the few CD's he had.

"I hate everything about you." I concluded, and dropped the last of the CD's back into the compartment. I then pulled out Bella's phone and reached for his AUX cord, only to find he had unplugged it and hidden it somewhere since the last time I was in the car. "Oh, fuck you." I slumped back into my chair.

"Surely conversation is better than music?" He offered, with a short glance at me. I rolled my eyes.

"Not with you, it isn't."

"There's some Debussy in there. I know you're a fan." Without hesitation I threw a pen from the compartment at him.

"Fuck. You."

"Your comebacks are a tad lacking today, love."

"You're sucking the life out of me." Pun intended. "We better do something fucking fun today. I could be at the school dance, you know. Having a riot. Getting unintentionally drunk off of the spiked punch. And then getting intentionally drunk off of the flask I was gonna hide in my puss-Jesus!" I interrupted myself with a yell as he swerved suddenly to dodge a car as it pulled out. "Hakuna your fuckin' tatas, Cullen."

He barked a laugh and shook his head. "You're charming, you know that?" The look he flashed me make my heart pang in a way I can't describe. Why the fuck did he have to be hot?

"Oh, I know that. I am an icon. A super star. Just, the best, really. At everything." I shrugged, keeping my cool.

"Apart from successfully washing clothes, apparently." He nodded at the top I was wearing, which had originally been a shirt that said the name of Bella's old school in Buttfuck Arizona or whatever. I'd torn it up, cut off the sleeves and sprayed bleach across it which left little orange patches where the black and gray pigments had lifted.

"Ok, this is a masterpiece. I am a fashion designer." I said, very matter-of-factly, looking at him with a dead serious expression. He laughed again and I couldn't help a little smirk. "You're an easy audience. It's pretty rad."

"Yeah, well you're actually pretty funny, so." He shook his head as he spoke, but his mouth was twisted into a grin.

"Oh, you should see me in my element. My old boss said I should be an attack comic. You know, performing stand-up routines that revolve around insulting your audience?" He nodded along with my explanation. "Well yeah, that. I should be that, he was right. I'm hilarious."

"You certainly have the presence for it. Why not, eh?" He smiled at me, but the encouragement made me shudder. All that did was make me not want to do it. I was one of those pricks who only did things if they were disappointing people. "So where did you work?"

"A garage. Lots of handsome guys covered in oil. Me, a vision of Aphrodite, covered in oil. It was basically a porno all day every day. But with no sex and lots of dropping wrenches on my feet." I explained, rubbing my neck. I really missed the hard work there, honestly. Kept my mind off shit and earned me money. And thats all I need in life. "I was saving up for an apartment but then, this happened." I gestured around us as if that meant anything.

"You didn't want to move here?"

"Nah man, not at all. Not ever. I used to say this would be worst thing in the world. I still say that but now I know it's true." I snorted. "Just wanna move into a crack den in the city and carry on with my life."

"That sounds dreadful. And very you." I laughed loudly.

"Are you fucking saying I'm dreadful, Spa-Cullen?" I cursed myself internally for almost saying Sparkles. He noticed, but didn't say anything.

"Would I ever?"

"Not if you wanted to keep your balls."

One his eyebrows raised. "I thought you'd decided I was a Vampire. Wouldn't it be a bad idea to attack a Vampire's manhood?"

"Yeah but in that scenario I either succeed or get murdered and honestly I'm down for either."

"You're down to die?" He asked, confused.

"Oh, totally. Down to fuckin clown, man."

"Why must you talk like that? 'Down to fuckin clown, man'? What does that even mean?"

I laughed. "I don't even know man, I just pick that shit up somewhere. I start saying things ironically and then it gets wildly out of control from there." I chuckled, adjusting myself to get comfortable. Just as I managed it, he pulled up somewhere and we the journey was fucking over. I groaned, but the sight of the city around me was a comfort.

"Let's go, we have to catch the stores before they close." He was out in an instant and pulling open my door. I dramatically fell out of the car as a display of displeasure but he caught me before I could sprawl on the sidewalk. I found my feet and shrugged away from him.

"Boundaries, Cullen. Don't want you sucking my blood." I reached back in the car and grabbed my bag before setting off ahead of him.

"Wrong way!" He called, and I scowled as I had to reroute.

* * *

 **I love writing chapters in which nothing happens.**

 **Review so I can stop filling the void in my heart with poorly chosen men.**

~I.F~


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